Everybody has those inner gremlins talking to them, bringing up the worst thoughts, second-guessing their instincts and being generally unkind.
Where exactly do those critical voices come from? And why are they so mean? If you’re reading this, you probably know what I (TK) am talking about — it’s negative self-talk, and no one is exempt from it.
So we talked to one of my faves, Joy Harden Bradford, Ph.D. (more commonly known as Dr. Joy), an Atlanta-based clinical psychologist and the host and founder of Therapy for Black Girls, about a few ways to quiet those voices down.
Joy Harden Bradford, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist, speaker, author and the host and founder of the podcast Therapy for Black Girls.
Carol Lee Rose, Colurwrk
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Carol Lee Rose, Colurwrk
Talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend
A lot of our negative self-talk comes from messages we’ve heard out in the world and internalized — maybe from a hypercritical caregiver, a school bully or the media.
When we beat ourselves up over mistakes, disparage our own appearance or talk ourselves out of great ideas, we’re not giving ourselves the grace and care that we would give others. Try practicing some self-compassion and replacing that negative inner voice with a kinder one.
“We’re talking about using the same kind and gentle language and approaches that we do with the other people we love in our lives with ourselves,” says Dr. Joy. “Because we’re also people that we hopefully love, right?”
When you realize you’re talking down to yourself, ask, “Would I say this to my best friend?” Then remind yourself of who you really are. As a best friend to myself, I try to remember that we all make mistakes, no one is looking at my zit and I am a delight to be around!
Monitor and collect evidence
Before you can shut down that mean little voice, you have to be aware of how it operates. “We want to monitor and keep a log of what kind of negative self-talk we’re having,” says Dr. Joy. Pick a half day, notice those negative thought patterns and write them down.
Then, you gotta gather receipts. Once you notice that you’re telling yourself not-so-nice stories, collect evidence on whether those things that you’re telling yourself are actually true.
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